嫉妒、竞争,关于一对一四你不知道的点点滴滴

作者:personality cafe

在性本能的类型四这一子类型中,内在的动力是嫉妒,外在的表现形式是竞争。他们感觉到一种竞争感,作为一种减轻与嫉妒相连的痛苦的方式,而这些四号并不会有意识地感受到与这种竞争感同样多的嫉妒感。如果他们可以超过他们意识到的、另一个拥有着比他们更多而且赢得的更多的人,他们就会自我感觉更好。


性本能的类型四相信成为最棒的是很好的。大多数人想要给他人呈现一个好的形象。但是性本能的类型四不是很在乎维持形象和被喜欢。对他们而言,变得更优越是更好的。他们是高度竞争性的,他们对于竞争的强烈关注采取了这样的形式,通过积极地努力来展现他们是最好的。


这种子类型的人倾向于有一种“全或无”的与成功相连的信念:如果成功不全是他们的,他们就一无所有。这种模式导致了过度地努力去达到成功,而且这种模式也产生了讨厌的情绪。


性本能的类型四通常是傲慢的,尽管在心底有着自卑感。在面对被误解的痛苦时,他们采取了傲慢的态度作为过度补偿——一种被他人认出的方式。这些第四型人喜欢成为“被选中”的群体,他们可以是非常杰出的。他们也许会拒绝接受任何人的恩惠,他们也许会感觉自己拥有着因为缺少他人的关心而感受到被冒犯的特权。任何批评或责备都被他们视为一种冒犯和剥夺【他们这样的特权的】资格。


嫉妒的愤怒在这一子类型无意识的本能性的冲动的表达中占主导地位。性本能的类型四深层的本能性的动力,是一种对于承受嫉妒带来的痛苦的拒绝和一种减轻痛苦的需要,他们通过向他人展现他人有满足他们需求的责任,并最小化他人与自己相比所取得的成就,来减轻自己的痛苦。


性本能的类型四“让别人受苦”,因为他们感觉他们已被驱使而受苦,所以需要其他种类的补偿。他们也许会寻求去伤害或惩罚他人,作为一种无意识的拒绝接受和最小化他们痛苦的方式。纳兰霍观察到这种类型四的这种倾向,并用这个短语总结,“受伤的人伤害别人”。外部的痛苦帮助他们减轻内部的自卑感。他们受痛苦的与他人的关系,因此可以非常完美地被理解为一种对于承受痛苦的拒绝。这一点通过他们活跃地坚持他们自己的需要被证实为有效的和被满足而表达出来。更无耻的比起更可耻的,性本能的类型四有声地表达他们的需要;他们反抗任何与他们的欲望相联系的羞愧。这一子类型遵循这样一种人生哲学,“吱吱作响的轮子得到了机油”(“无声无息,亦无所得”)。


当其他人体会到性本能类型四的需求,这会导致一种拒绝和气愤的模式:性本能的类型四在其他人没有实现他们需求时会发疯,但是他们有需求的天性让人们避开或拒绝他们,然后他们就对于被拒绝表示生气。这一类型会因此陷入一种恶性循环,当拒绝导致抗议时,抗议却又导致了拒绝。


性本能的类型四与其他子类型相比,更坚持自己主张、更容易生气。纳兰霍提到这一子类型时以“疯狂的四号“与”悲伤的四号“(社交)相对比。这些四号可以非常坦率地谈论他们的气愤,因为气愤的表达,对于他们而言是一种抵御痛苦感觉的方式。当他们无意识地将它们的痛苦转换为气愤时,他们就不用再必须感受自己的痛苦了。


这些四号也许更多地寻求伤害或惩罚他人,作为一种拒绝承受和最小化他们心底痛苦的方式。他们感觉,指出他人是他们被剥夺或者失望的来源是正当的,这既是为了从他们自己受伤的角色中分散注意力,又是一种请求帮助和理解的方式。


纳兰霍说这种四号的子类型可以是九型人格中最生气的一种子类型。当他们感到更深层自卑时,他们也许会把表达嫉妒的气愤作为一种建立和维持自己权力的方式,而这可以是一种掌控情境对他们有利的方式。(这种气愤是法国革命中的气愤:“我嫉妒有钱人,所以我将会组织一场革命。“)性本能的类型四是可以是非常冲动的。他们急切地想要某事或某物,却少有承受挫折的忍耐力。


纳兰霍称这一类型为“竞争“,依察诺称之为”憎恨“。尽管这一类型可以是既易憎恨的又富于竞争的,但是记住这些是非常重要的:这种四号表达的竞争和憎恨代表着他们更深层的需要,这种需要是向外部突出他们承受的痛苦和缺失感。这种性本能的类型四体验的痛苦的嫉妒感,会驱动一种愤怒的愿望或是一种感觉——“我已经达到了得到我需要的,不仅使我自己相信我的需要不是可耻的,又让我在尊重别人的同时自我感觉更好些”。他们的竞争和气愤既是一种补偿又是一种对于他们感受到的深层的伤害的防御。


这些四号喜欢并需要感情的强烈。没有了这种强烈,任何事都似乎都是无法忍受的单调和无聊。当性本能的类型四希望得到某人的爱时,他们会非常直接地要求他们所需要的,或者可以变得非常“独特的“——让他们自己好像特殊,有吸引力和优秀,尽力吸引那样的爱。与他们天性的强烈相符(由他们的基于内心的表现强烈情感的气质和他们的性本能激起)这些个人主义者倾向于在关系上更置身其中并更容易获得的,因为他们并不拒绝和避免很多种在关系上可能抑制其他人的因素,如气愤,贫穷,竞争性,傲慢和必须一直被爱。但是,有时他们很难维持一种爱的态度,因为他们将甜蜜和仁慈与虚假和虚伪相混淆。


性本能的类型四是最可能与类型八及性本能的类型二相混淆的。像类型八,他们比很多其他类型更容易生气,但是他们与类型八不同,在于他们通常感受到更广泛范围的情感。纳兰霍支持类型八不需要变得生气,然而类型四频繁地感受到被误解或嫉妒,所以他们也许会更频繁地展现气愤。他们也可以看起来像性本能的“侵略性和诱惑性”的类型二(因为这两种类型在关系中都可以是侵略性和诱惑性的),但是性本能的类型二更以取悦他人为导向。


罗格,一个性本能的类型四,说到:

“所有的过于繁琐的在线测试通常报告说我是类型八或类型三,但是我清楚地知道我是一个类型四,我在这个世界上最好的朋友,我的类型五姐姐,曾经俯身于一个九型人格工作室,并用手指画下这个单词”敌意“在一个性本能的类型四的表述中,并告诉我:“你需要致力处理于这个方面【的问题】。”我需要倾听她的反馈因为她已知晓我的整个人生所以一定是可靠的报告者。当然,我也用手指告诉她关于这个工作【的某些问题】,我想她也许尚未在她自己的生活中解决。【译者:意思是罗格指出她姐姐在生活中未处理好的,人格上的问题】


在我的职业生活中,比起感到某事易受伤害,我将会更频繁地变得气愤。与在我的职业生活中经历一个平凡或比较平凡的生活相比,我会更频繁地富有竞争性、侵略性甚至敌意。我与过于敏感、抱怨的(社交)类型四没有联系:我追逐我感到威胁的敌人或我意识到的感到威胁的对手,通过直接的方式而不是在不舒服的感觉中绕圈子。我也直接地跟随我渴望的目标,而且有很多这样目标。这也许似乎更三号化或八号化,因为我需要变得顶尖职业的和个人化的。尽管我因自己的直率和诚实而不是友好而骄傲,我知道我不是类型八,因为我的注意力焦点和我的致命伤无疑是嫉妒,它给予我精力让我追随我所想要的。(或是在心里记下得到了我所没得到的东西的某人)我知道我不是一个类型三,因为我对于成为一个独特的人比成功感到更加的自豪。我承认我偶尔会遇到这样的情况:如果我感到被威胁,我会变得傲慢甚至有敌意。这些特点【指直率和诚实】不总是给我带来好的情况,不管是在个人或是职业的关系中,这样的他人的反应常常让我悲伤。幸运的是,我已经知道与更柔软的感情相处的价值,感受我的弱点的价值,与一个好的伙伴在一起的价值,以及成为众人中的一员的价值。


性本能的类型四从陋习走向美德的建议


性本能的类型四可以从嫉妒走向平和,通过加强他们他们处理自己受痛苦的能力,而不需要将它外化或将它呈现给他人。如果你是一个性本能的类型四,你可以通过看待你所有的情感同等价值地和同样重要地来获得成长,不管你是感到嫉妒和生气,还是悲伤和脆弱。你的善意的感情是要被看做和你竞争性的冲动同等重要的。对你而言,平和意味着认识到你是谁的真正价值,即使你不是最好的或比其他任何人更优越的。没人必须要证明他们自己是最好的或是有价值的——我们本来就已经足够好了。允许你自己看见你的气愤、失意、不耐烦,作为重要的通向更深层痛苦感觉的线索,你也许会体会到或降低至无意识之中。通过让自己体会到自己的全部感情,记得它们都是重要的,并且它们反映了你是谁的情感的真实性,你可以发展更多的对自己和别人的同情,并让自己对于接受来自周围人的爱和接纳,变得更开放。



Sexual Fours


In the Sexual Four subtype, the inner motivation is envy, and its manifestation as competition. These Fours don't feel consciously envious so much as they feel competitive as a way of muting the pain associated with envy. If they can compete against another person they perceive as having more than they do and win, they can feel better about themselves.



Sexual Fours believe it's good to be the best. Most people want to present a good image to others, but Sexual Fours don't care very much about image management or being liked. For them, it's better to be superior. They are highly competitive, and their intense focus on competition takes the form of actively striving to show that they are the best.




People with this subtype tend to have an “all or nothing” belief related to success: if success is not all theirs, they are left with nothing. This pattern leads to excesses related to their efforts to achieve success, and it also generates feelings of hate.




Sexual Fours are usually arrogant, despite having an underlying sense of inferiority. In the face of the pain of feeling misunderstood, an arrogant attitude is adopted as overcompensation- a means of being recognized. These Fours like being part of “chosen” group, and they can be very elitist. They may refuse to feel indebted to anyone, and they may have the sense that they have the exclusive right to feel offended by the lack of consideration of others. Any criticism or reproach is seen as an affront or disqualification.




Envious anger dominates the expression of this subtype's unconscious instinctual impulses. Sexual Fours' deeper instinctual motivation is about a refusal to suffer the pain brought about by envy, and a need to reduce suffering by projecting the responsibility for meeting their needs onto others and minimizing others' accomplishments in comparison with their own.




Sexual Fours “make others suffer” because they feel that they have been made to suffer and so need some sort of compensation. They may seek to hurt or punish others as an unconscious way of repudiating or minimizing their own pain. Naranjo observes that this tendency of this Four can be summed up by the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” Externalizing pain helps them ease their inner sense of inferiority. Their relationship to suffering can thus best be understood as a refusal to suffer. This gets expressed as an active insistence on their needs being validated and met. (They want with anger.) More shameless than shameful, Sexual Fours are vocal about expressing their needs; they rebel against any shame connected to their desires. This subtype follows the life philosophy that “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.”




When others experience Sexual Fours as demanding, this can lead to a pattern of rejection and anger: Sexual Fours get mad when others don't meet their needs, but their demanding nature causes people to avoid or reject them, and then they get angry about being rejected. This type can thus get trapped in a vicious cycle when rejection leads to protest and protest leads to rejection.




The Sexual Four is more assertive and angrier than the other subtypes. Naranjo refers to this Four as the “mad Four” as opposed to the “sad” (Social) Four. These Fours can be very outspoken with their anger because expression of anger is their way of defending against painful feelings. When they unconsciously turn their pain into anger, they don't have to feel their pain anymore.




These Fours may even seek to hurt or punish others as a way of repudiating or minimizing their underlying pain. They feel justified in pointing to others as the source of their deprivation or frustration, which serves as both a distraction from their own role in their suffering and a plea for help and understanding.




Naranjo says that this Four subtype can be the angriest personality among the Enneagram types. They may express envious anger as a way to establish or assert power when they feel inferior at a deeper level, which can be a way to manipulate situations to their advantage. (This kind of anger was the impulse between the French revolution: “I envy the rich, so I'll organize a revolution.”) And Sexual Fours can be very impulsive. They want things immediately and have little tolerance for frustration.


Naranjo calls this type “Competition,” and Ichazo called it “Hate.” While this type can be both hateful and competitive, it is important to remember that the competition and hate expressed by this Four represents a deeper need to project their sense of suffering and inadequacy outward. The painful sense of envy felt by the Sexual Four can motivate a wishing with anger, or a sense of “Ive got to get what I need, both to convince myself that my needs aren't shameful, and to feel better about myself with respect to others.” Their competitiveness and anger is a compensation for and a defense against the hurt they feel underneath.




These Fours like and need emotional intensity. Without intensity, everything can seem unbearably dull and boring. When Sexual Fours want somebody's love, they can be very direct about asking for what they need, or can become “extraordinary”- make themselves seem special and attractive and superior- in an effort to attract it. In line with their natural intensity (fueled by both their heart-based emotional temperament and their sexual instinct), these individuals tend to be more present and available in relationships because they don't deny or avoid many of the factors that can inhibit others relationally, like anger, neediness, competitiveness, arrogance, and having to be liked all the time. However, at times it may prove difficult for them to maintain a loving attitude because they confuse sweetness and benevolence with being false or insincere.




Sexual Fours are most likely to be confused with Type Eights or Sexual Twos. Like Eights, they have easier access to anger than most types, but they differ from Eights in the wider range of emotions they regularly feel. Naranjo points out that Eights often don't need to get angry, whereas this Four frequently feels misunderstood or envious, so they may show anger more often. They can also look like Sexual “Aggressive-Seductive” Twos (because both types can be aggressive and seductive in relationships) but the Sexual Two is more oriented toward pleasing others.



Roger, a Sexual Four, speaks:



"The all-too-cumbersome online tests often report I am an Eight or a Three, but I know full well that I am a Sexual Four. My greatest friend in the world, my Type Five elder sister, once leaned over at an Enneagram workshop and underlined the word “hostility” in a description of the Sexual Four with her finger and told me, “You need to work on that.” I had to listen to her feedback because she has known me my entire life and so must be a reliable reporter. Of course, I had a finger to offer her regarding the work I thought she might have yet to address in her own life.




Instead of feeling anything vulnerable in my personal life, I will often go to anger. Instead of experiencing myself as ordinary or less-than in my professional life, I will often go to competition, aggression, or even hostility. I don't relate to the descriptions of the over-sensitive, complaining (Social) Four: I go after my enemies or perceived adversaries who I feel threatened by directly rather than hanging out too long in discomfort. I also go after my objects of desire directly, and there are many. It may seem Threeish and Eightish that I need to be on top professional and personally. But although I pride myself on being direct and honest rather than nice, I know I am not an Eight because my Focus of Attention and my Achilles Heel is definitely Envy; it invigorates me to go after what I want (or take down the person who got what I didn't get). I know I am not a Three because I take more pride in being one-of-a-kind than in being successful. I own that I can come across as arrogant and even hostile if I feel threatened. This has not always served me well in either personal or professional relationships and this kind of response saddens me. Luckily, I have learned the value of staying with the softer feelings, experiencing my vulnerability, being with a great partner, and being one amongst many."



Specific Work For The Sexual Four on the Path from Vice to Virtue



Sexual fours can travel the path from envy to equanimity by strengthening their ability to be with their own suffering without needing to externalize it or project it onto others. If you are a Sexual Four, you can grow by seeing all your emotions as equally valuable and important, whether you are feeling envious and angry or sad and vulnerable. Your tender feelings are as important to consider as your competitive impulses. For you, equanimity means recognizing the value of who you are, even if you aren’t the best or superior to anyone else. No one has to prove themselves to be the best to be worthy- we are all inherently good enough. Allow yourself to see your anger, frustration, and impatience as important clues to deeper feelings of pain that you might be experiencing or relegating to unconsciousness. By allowing yourself to experience all your feelings and remembering they are all important reflections of the emotional truth of who you are, you can develop more compassion for yourself and others and allow yourself to be more open to receiving love and acceptance from the people around you.

  • 发布日期:2016-2-22
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